Anxiety

Once again . It’s like an unintended guest that demands attention over and over. 

I think anxiety is a bitch. 

I’d like for her to go away and never come back. 

She comes at random times. Like in the San Francisco airport or during a massage of all places. 

Like what the hay? 

She has robbed me of so many precious moments I my life. 

I wonder what she is actually trying to do. Like what does she really want? Perhaps I could ask her and maybe her elephant weight on my chest will lessen. 

Could we even be friends? 

I doubt it- she is definitely a bitch.

Maybe she can be one of the many people I accept but aren’t in my inner circle. 

Like today, I’m sitting in a gorgeous  home owned by a Balinese shaman awaiting a purification ceremony and palm reading. 

I am asked to come early to be in peace. I wonder what they’d think if they knew I was about to see combust with fear at any moment. 

Maybe I’m afraid of what I’ll hear. 

Perhaps he will present the very thing I’m most afraid of. 

My marriage. 

How can something so beautiful and loving cause me so much internal restlessness. 

Maybe I need to forgive and let go.

Maybe the very act of looking at it will confirm what I’ve known for a while.

I can’t keep my marriage. 

Not as it is. 

And it fills me with fear. 

I’m afraid that we can never change our patterns and I’ll have to separate from the love of my life.

I’m afraid of staying and losing myself yet another day in the prison I have created for myself. 

It’s not a Dan problem…. It’s a me problem. 

The thing that kills me is that I love so fiercely I can barely breathe. 

I’m addicted.

I’m addicted to someone that needs me. 

And I love being needed. 

I’m addicted to being needed.

But my soul wants freedom. 

I still believe I can have freedom and a relationship with my lover but I know it absolutely cannot continue with my people pleasing energy that creates bitterness and disconnection. 

Again…. It’s a me problem and I know it. 

So I sit in the waiting room and realize perhaps maybe anxiety is telling me the story of which I never wanted to hear. 

The knowing in my heart. 

The process unveiling in real time. 

Will he have answers? Can he help me hear my own voice? Can he bless me with water to purify my soul and release the fear? 

Ive had many people say I must be fearless because I take so many chances and do crazy things like international retreats and festivals and speak on stages. 

But talking in public is way easier than having a conversation internally.

Especially if you have run from that voice for so long. 

Thinking I am fearless would be a false assumption. 

The fear is so real inside of me that it makes my body ache and hurt, my digestive system go haywire, and puts a lump in my throat. I can’t think, I can’t create, and I especially can’t love. 

I just choose to do things anyways and push through the demons inside. 

In the gene keys book, Richard Rudd says in gate 28 that we will be free when Archangel Michael embraces satan and ends the war… or something like that. 

Perhaps me meeting and embracing the very fear I feel will finally unify me with anxiety and allow me to see the truth. 

Or- perhaps she is just a mean girl and will continue bullying around Wendy. 

Bitch….