My friend said it was her favorite and not to miss so of course I had to come and check it out.

The textures here in Bali are like crack for my soul. Rock, wood, fabric, colors, and the constant sound of someone sweeping in the distance. Incense floats in the air and the energy of calm and tranquility fills my heart.

It’s  a good thing because I just got off a scoot scoot ride. I jumped on the back of scooter with a random Gojek driver that can’t speak English and takes shortcuts that I know aren’t on his GPS, so he’s not sticking to the program.

I like him already…don’t ever stick to the program my friend- so I pay him double and see his eyes light up with gratitude.

I did that last week with a driver we hired as a group. He talked about money and good karma and so I did the money dance with him- that I made up on the spot and gave him double the price….and he cried.

It was only like $3 and I gave him $6 and he cried….oh God am I ever blessed.

Share and share some more. Man I love sharing.

But back to my fear…

For some reason I have three fears being addressed on a daily here.

Last year I said I’d never jump on a scooter. The traffic here is insane. Like beyond words insane.

No rules, no structure, no lights, no rhyme or reason. You’d think I would love it with my personality.

And I do….

But safe in a car is one thing. At least there is a barrier between me and the pavement.

On a scooter it’s me and well me…..

And the driver that I depend on not falling into the ditches that adorn each side of the road. Today my driver took some back alleyways and drove on roads more narrow than most walking paths in America.

I’m starting to relax and love it. The wind in my hair, the freedom of going on paths unknown, and the thrill of trusting someone I just barely met.

But I still get a little frazzled getting on for the first time.

Who knows maybe I’ll get so brave I’ll drive one?

Lol… or not, that would be insane in the membrane.

I am also afraid of dogs and lightning.

I love dogs so I’m unsure why when I meet a dog for the first time I have to breathe and calm myself before meeting them. Small dogs are good- they actually crack me up with their little ferocious growls- I relate. But big dogs, hmmmm, they kind of terrify me.

When I was two I fed our German Shepard some bologna and he bit my hand. I must not have gotten over it because I don’t remember having that dog very long after that time, but I was two so I was probably living my best toddler life and swinging in my favorite plastic swing with a wind up swing mechanism. I could actually climb in that damn thing and start it myself.

Ha ha, even back then- super independent.

And in Bali there are dogs everywhere. Widi my driver said most are owned but they are allowed to roam freely during the day and come home to sleep at night.

Sounds like my kind of life. Free to roam, free to explore, free to be curious, free to create, free to love and live as my heart desires.

My last is lightning.

It freaking freaks the freak out of me.

Like I love to watch from inside but I like to have covers available to cover my head too sometimes.

How can something so beautiful be so terrifying?

Again I remember being 11 and living in St Louis. We had just moved there and experienced the first ever crazy lightning storms they have there. Within the first few months three homes on our new block caught on fire because of lightning. One day my family went on errands and I stayed home. A storm brewed shortly after and lightning was everywhere. As I was watching for my parents to come home- mind you we didn’t have cell phones back in those days-lightning struck on the road right in front of my house in the street and I could feel the impact.

I broke down in hysterics and ran around the house trying to soothe myself. And now…. Well it sure is interesting how those neural pathways get deeply carved into our subconscious programming and causes us to be psychopaths.

So far I am dealing quite nicely with fear A and fear B but am hopeful that option C stays far away for now.

My buddies show up and we are going into the crazy cool resort that my friend Clare told me about, and it didn’t sound too interesting at first as it involved sitting by spring fed pools and eating. And I kinda do that anywhere in Bali so im questioning why I’d get a day pass to this here.

But, Clare has given me good advice time and time again, so I thought I’d go and trust her once again.

It’s a damn good thing I did because I am led to a bamboo bird cage that will take me down a concrete shaft adorned with clear quartz crystals and pretend I’m a fairy.

Man do they know their avatar here.

I feel like I’m going down a well, maybe it will end poorly like another sequel to the Ring, but I’m thinking it may be closer to the hobbit instead of the horror show.

I get down and find myself in an underground tunnel. There are lighted pathways that go everywhere like a huge mole that got a hold of this place.

Brianna and I are running around like kids and asking “ where does this go?, not waiting to ask and running around like we forgot to take our Ritalin.

And we saw freakin’ ceremony rooms, seriously. Like underground ceremony rooms. I am definitely taking my next group there and bringing drums and all of the hippy shit I can take down that bird cage with me.

We walk out to the restaurant and are led to a little cabana where we will be served like kings and queens while we sun and play in tiny canoes that are meant for decoration and get the Balinese employees to laugh.

I feel a little guilty that I am here and my husband clearly does not appear to be having as much fun at home.

But I know in my heart I am here because I made the conscious decision “to be here” and not let anything stop me from it.

And I know he has the same ability too, although I took so many opportunities from him as I did things I never should have done in honor of love.

I mutter “bullshit” under my breath and go into the truth…it is in honor of me feeling valued by having other people value me. What’s weird is that they never really did. It was the game I played. Mom and wife does the thing, and kids and hubby get to receive.

They were my rules that I taught them - so they are not blame. But we got really good at this game until we didn’t realize we were even playing.

Interesting that now that I receive and allow me to be filled up, I actually have others that simply want to be with me and the reciprocity is actually on both sides- mutually benefiting. Neither side is bitter or angry and both feel fully fed.

I now have a ridiculous amount of friends and only ever complain that I don’t have the time to spend with all of them.

Man I love and adore my peeps.

And as for my hubby, he adores me way more in this fashion than the old people pleasing, overwhelmed frustrated and frigid version of me.

Now I simply let her drink in the goodness of life and so I have enough to give others.

But, I don’t overgive anymore.

I won’t and I can’t.

Because that version gets bitter and pissed off and no one wants to be around that.

And as for my hubby? He is learning to design his life without me doing it. I literally handicapped the very people I loved the most.

And so he is learning to create his own version of happiness and receiving and it takes opening up capacity which frazzles and fries the nervous system.

Cause the nervous system likes predictability and this is anything than predictable.

This is freedom.

And freedom takes shedding it all.

Take it off babe…. Take that shit off…

Now off to the bird cage of fairyland for me….tata for now.