Bali is such an interesting dichotomy of tradition and superstition and spirituality. 

I freakin’ love it. 

Even the smell…it’s like a warm embrace from the wind saying, I got you. 

Incense everywhere inviting me to feel safe if I want to.

But that damn anxiety seems to want to hang onto for dear life today. 

I am now invited to go into my session with the Balinese Shaman. Ayu takes me up the stairs that are uneven, some short steps and some so long I have to stretch my legs. Heavens forbid I make  a misstep because I would be in for a long ride down the three floors. 

She guides me into a room with a bathtub filled with flowers and surrounded by transparent fabric flags of chakra colors streaming from the ceiling. I am instructed to put one of the sarongs on and get into the bath. She says to me to sit close to the spigot so I can have warmer water. 

I chuckle when I get into the tub and feel the icy cold water coming out of the tap. LOL, this is sooo Bali. The bathtub is actually cool but it feels amazing and I have a sea of flowers and lotus flowers surrounding me. 

Like who gets to take a bath with lotus flowers? 

I see the sun streaming through the windows and the cool breeze blowing the gauze like fabric to and fro. How did I get such a magical existence? 

And yet- anxiety is still with me. Like who has anxiety in such a magical place and why is a such a buzz kill?

A girl who is so afraid of speaking her truth and stepping into what she knows she needs to do in her heart- that’s who. 

It’s as though I am verging on panic. I breathe slowly and steady and do my nervous system reset tools that I teach and practice on the regular. I gaze to the right and left and do some eye yoga to reset my nervous system and chant and meditate. 

I got nothing….it’s here to stay. 

So I decided to go into the fear instead of pushing it away.

90 seconds I reminded myself… is all you need to feel any emotion for it to fully be felt and expressed and close the emotional loop. 

90 seconds. 

Still there, not going away. 

Well maybe I am closing more than one emotional loop- perhaps thousands. I mean, how many times did I not speak up for myself or say yes when inside I was screaming no?

Probably more times than I can even count. 

I finally get into deep meditation, observing the anxiety from a distance- like as if it’s happening to someone else. 

As I feel a little relief, I sense someone is in the room and open my eyes. 

I am surprised a bit by Agus the palm reader. I suppose I saw this ancient man that would be in a linen diaper of some sort with a rice grain on his third eye. 

But what I saw was a small man with Dolce and Gabanna glasses, wearing a modern shirt and a yellow sarong with the outline of some type  black speedo underneath. Long curly fingernails except for the pointer finger. 

I can’t imagine how he does anything- like how does he write anything? I’m pretty sure this is not a spiritual thing to think about in a chakra clearing session and palm reading, but I can’t seem to help myself. 

He has me lay down and starts rubbing my eyebrows and smacking my head. No, I digress, he rams his curly fingernail thumbs into them.

He asks…. Did your eyebrows hurt? 

Uhhh does a pencil in your eyeballs hurt?

Yes, why Einstein…. it does. 

“You are too much in your head, you think too much, you need get in you heart.” As he points at his head. 

Ummm I am pretty sure he is right.

He has me do a ton of things nine times. Nine eyebrow torture chamber rubs, nine breaths, nine walks around the terrace, nine flower throwing on Ganesha. 

Nine… I keep seeing nine everywhere I look. 

I live in a house that is 63.

My human design profile is 6/3 (more on that later).

My anniversary is 6/3.

We will be married 36 years this year. 

I am staying in a hotel room that is 108. 

The year is 2025. 

Add any of those numbers and what do you get? 

Nine. 

In numerology nine is the number of completion. 

And completion sounds final- like scary as hell. 

Not sure I like this number nine fella’, seems kind of cocky if you ask me.

So now for what we came here for, my palm reading. 

Oh please oh please oh please tell me good news I mutter under my breath. 

Or at least please end the confusion in my never ending brain. 

He starts by telling me, “ you very independent.” Check, this guys  onto  something. 

“You no follow anyone else, you do own thing.” This guy is getting more credibility by the one liner.

“You want buy home in different countries?"

Why yes I say- that sounds delightful! 

“You have two house, one America, and one in nother’ country.”

Score! I won the palm reading lottery! 

“You have two man in your life.” 

No… I mention only one ever. 

“No boyfriend before?” He asked

No….. only one like ever in the history of ever. 

“Ohhhh, you have good marriage?” He asked.

I tell him in a very short and concise way that I am indeed am in love but we both “need” each other and it feels like a noose around my neck. 

“Need from head, want from heart. You do daily work I tell you and you move from need to want. You man needs also heal ,move from need to want.

You no do this, you no work. You feel like die. You end. You fail. 

But  move to want, you be like this (he moves puts his fingers together and moves them forward next to each other) forever with same but different man. One loves you but no needs you.”

He do his heal, you do yours. 

He no does his healing,you still stay you feel like die. “

How does a little Indonesian guy with broken English bring up the words from my heart? 

Yes- I know this. I feel this. I must accept this.

There is no other choice. 

So number nine. 

Completion.

Completing a contract that is based on love but based on grasping for acceptance and value for both me and Dan.

And here I am, only responsible for me. Doing the work for me. Loving me. Living an unlimited possibility life for me.

And I pray like hell that I get to share this life with the one I love the most.

I walk out with an arsenal of teas that I don’t know how to use and a non-negotiable breathing and meditation practice designed to help me transform into someone who I can want and not need. Someone who can love without conditions because I am love. 

I walk out the front door and bump into the same lady I was trapped in the sauna with the other day. The one where the spa attendees forgot two women and left in a sweat dungeon. But one where I met a woman from Chicago who does yoga and reiki and now lives in Sydney Australia. 

I tell her I have to stop for my flight back home I stop in Australia  anyways- could we meet up for a dinner or something? 

How strange and synchronistic, I mean you can’t make this shit up. 

Maybe I’m Australian bound? 

I’m game, sign me up for anything. 

I’m ready to sign up for life and let go of my self made prison. 

I say yes.