“Write it for you.”

This is what I keep hearing for the last few weeks. 

I have felt inspired to write for over two months, even pulled an oracle card encouraging me to pour my words out on paper- but I have seen myself get distracted by everything and anything else.

Maybe it is because I don’t know how to write it for myself. 

I’ve never done it. 

Even now, I will most likely post this to my blog to help me preserve this experience for me in all its sacred juiciness- the up’s the down’s- the adventures and the celebrations. 

LOL- let’s be honest- it’s so that I can be seen and heard and acknowledged and recognized because it is the thing I have sought for my entire life. 

Okay- now I am being honest. Now I can write. 

But just knowing that someone else might read this has me thinking, “maybe we should start three months ago or even two years ago so they get a background story”....

Once again- worrying about another human’s eyes and ears rather than my own. 

I feel like standing up for the first time after being bedridden for a long time. The muscles haven’t been developed and so using them may take a while to build up endurance to stand. 

Using true emotional intelligence instead of the habits I have developed to avoid feeling them. 

Coming from a long line of doctorate people pleasers that thought that love was avoiding confrontation and conflict.

I was taught…as long as there are no arguments or disagreements or loud voices- apparently all is well. 

But what it actually did was not allow me true connection to anyone, especially myself, because every time I felt a big emotion I brought shame into the picture. 

But what it actually did was generally throw me under the bus. 

Sacrificing myself on the motherly altar of love. 

Doing things for others so I didn’t hear yelling or complaining. 

Spreading my legs so that I could feel like I was fulfilling my womanly duties. 

Wearing every hat imaginable so that someone, anyone might see me accomplishing so much in this lifetime. 

“Look at me, look at me.” 

Maybe I will start calling this part of me Stewart LOL. 

What avoiding conflict really did was to teach everyone around me the rules of the game. 

“Do not feel your feelings or mom will feel uncomfortable, and shit will get real.”

I can feel compassion for this aspect of me. It didn’t start with me. It didn’t start with my mother or her mother. It started decades ago with an ancestor or two or three that decided that emotions were the problem instead of the solution that they are. 

But now that I am aware- it is my responsibility to do something about this destructive pattern. 

I choose to have intimacy with myself and as a natural byproduct…with others. 

Especially the one I have shared 35 years with....Dan...

The one that I saw across the room one New Year’s Eve in 1987 and knew on a soul level. 

The one that has been my greatest villain and my biggest hero. 

Even now- I get choked up and have tears running down my face because of the love that I feel for him just thinking about him. 

I wonder when I will start to have those same overflowing emotions for myself. 

It’s okay- I am simply learning to use my legs once again. 

Because once I do feel those emotions for me- I can love others with the same connection. 

Right now, I love but there are still years and decades of times when I shoved my emotions down in the almighty behalf of not having conflict. 

And it was killing me. 

Bitterness, resentment, and frustration still take up residency in my body.

I am quite certain the  trait of diabetes was coming down the ancestral pipeline as I was doing a mighty fine job at continuing the genetic sequence. Since diabetes is literally forgetting the sweetness of life- I choose to end this pattern with me. I choose to taste sweetness with everything I see, everything I taste, everything I experience, everything I connect with. 

And when I heal this within myself- then it will be much easier for my kids and grandchildren to end this cycle too. And of course, the choice is theirs and my only job is to love them where they are at. 

I can only imagine what an entire generation of sovereign and authentically connected humans will do to help this world become a better place to live. 

Not because we will “grace” this world with our presence, but because we will “see” a different world. 

I can see why I heard the name of my book several years ago. 

Funny how I thought it was the title of the story of my marriage…. and…I still believe it has a major role in the story. 

But the main role and star of the show is me. 

Learning to allow me to show up in all my messy glory and be okay with every aspect of me showing up. 

Turning off the noise of the world so I can hear the sweetest voice I will ever hear…

My own. 

The voice that has been drowned out by the world as I reached for answers outside of myself and turned to the “experts” time and time again. 

I want to hear from her again. I want to celebrate with her again. I want to connect with her in true authenticity. 

So I will head across the world tomorrow, to the only place I ever left and cried feeling like I was leaving home. 

Bali....

I get to show up for her and allow my voice to be heard by me. 

The programs and systems and expectations of the world can stand on the sidelines as I quietly enter the realm of self for an unspecified amount of time. 

I have no agenda after the first two weeks in retreat mode. 

I have no business plans, or meetings, or things to do. 

The universe has lovingly helped me create a sanctuary where I get to be curious, play, and find that inner peace once again. 

I already feel the inner restlessness starting to subside. The need to be busy all of the time is starting to relax, and I am feeling an energy of peace starting to filter through me. 

The months leading to this moment have been the most intense of my entire life. 

There were moments I wasn’t sure I had the capacity to handle. 

But I see the brilliance in these moments preparing me and opening up my window of tolerance so I can hold more peace and joy. 

I love how my friend Laurel says that healing isn’t so we can handle more trauma but so we can handle and be open to more love and joy. 

That is where I am heading. 

Welcome Wendy to… 

The Untethered Love Story. 

This story starts now…..